One of our weekend activities.
Apr 20, 2009
Apr 6, 2009
Paying for Father's Sin
Today I was late by about 30 seconds for a training session in office. The intructor did not allow me to get in. I was embarrassed. While I was thinking about the episode my mind was forced back to the day when June was punished for arriving late for school. What happened with me today was very similar. I was held as an example so that the trend could be bucked.
In July 08, June, along with others, was made to catch her ears and sit up ten times in full view of the public. The sad part was that June was late because of me. I stood there watching my daughter getting punished for my sin (sloth in this case).
This load was pretty heavy to carry. It was the first time ever that June got punished in school.
Interestingly, the episode kept working on my mind throughout the day. I was wondering how would June take it? Would she feel insulted? Would she avoid going to school? Would she make sense of it? It would be difficult if I was her.
It is always illogical to be paying for others' sins. I called Mun in the evening to find out what did June had to say when she came back from school. June was fine. She did'nt even remember that she was punished. Infact, when spoke to her about it I had a hard time explaining
In July 08, June, along with others, was made to catch her ears and sit up ten times in full view of the public. The sad part was that June was late because of me. I stood there watching my daughter getting punished for my sin (sloth in this case).
This load was pretty heavy to carry. It was the first time ever that June got punished in school.
Interestingly, the episode kept working on my mind throughout the day. I was wondering how would June take it? Would she feel insulted? Would she avoid going to school? Would she make sense of it? It would be difficult if I was her.
It is always illogical to be paying for others' sins. I called Mun in the evening to find out what did June had to say when she came back from school. June was fine. She did'nt even remember that she was punished. Infact, when spoke to her about it I had a hard time explaining
- What is punishment?
- Who gets punished?
- Who gives the punishment?
- How is someone punished?
I didnt have a clear answers to any of these larger questions.
Mar 27, 2009
Another Special Moment
I got a call on my mobile. It read "Home". Munmun is usually not back so early.
I said "Hello". She said "Hi Papa! I called by myself."
This is June's first independant phone call, completely unaided and unprompted.
26 03 2009 05:10pm my phone records as the time of the call. We talked for 4.06 mins.
Recently, I made her learn my phone number by heart so that she can get some lady to call me up incase she is lost. She used that memory to call me up.
Today I am just out from a Bloom's session. Is this level 5? I think so.
I said "Hello". She said "Hi Papa! I called by myself."
This is June's first independant phone call, completely unaided and unprompted.
26 03 2009 05:10pm my phone records as the time of the call. We talked for 4.06 mins.
Recently, I made her learn my phone number by heart so that she can get some lady to call me up incase she is lost. She used that memory to call me up.
Today I am just out from a Bloom's session. Is this level 5? I think so.
Mar 6, 2009
I have not given up...
... I have not given up. I don' think I can or would want to.
Time has not been the central factor. Inspiration has never been one too. However, when too many things happen it is difficult to sit down and pen any one thing. Thoughts keep criss-crossing and you finally entangle yourself while you write.
The recession is doing crazy things to my life. It is cutting down on my aggro, threatening to increase my patience levels, forcing me to look further inwards and making me feel more accountable for my present. By the way, I am quite convinced that we need these kinds of recession from time to time to check our excessive greed. My only worry is that I don't become the sacrificial goat.
So this is what's been happening.
I am still the little child perplexed to see the antics of others. I wonder how people do what they, desire what they desire, and how people has just stopped thinking.
I still remain self-critical and stooped in thoughts of "How could I do this?"
My most frustrating activity of the day is doing the 30-minute drive back and forth everyday. However, BBC's podcast is a great stress reliever during that time.
I have watched innumerable movies, the best being Road to Perdition. As Shailesh, one of my fellow colleague, says, "There is about 1500 weekends left to be used." Which means about 2500 movies before I die.
I also completed the Art of Living - Part 1 course and from Ramdev Baba's heavy duty pranayam have moved onto Sri Sri's Sudarshan Kriya - the 30 minute mind cleanser. While we all take a bath everyday, I am convinced our mind also needs a regular wash.
June continues to outgrow me each day. Some of the things that I have come to admire about her:
Time has not been the central factor. Inspiration has never been one too. However, when too many things happen it is difficult to sit down and pen any one thing. Thoughts keep criss-crossing and you finally entangle yourself while you write.
The recession is doing crazy things to my life. It is cutting down on my aggro, threatening to increase my patience levels, forcing me to look further inwards and making me feel more accountable for my present. By the way, I am quite convinced that we need these kinds of recession from time to time to check our excessive greed. My only worry is that I don't become the sacrificial goat.
So this is what's been happening.
I am still the little child perplexed to see the antics of others. I wonder how people do what they, desire what they desire, and how people has just stopped thinking.
I still remain self-critical and stooped in thoughts of "How could I do this?"
My most frustrating activity of the day is doing the 30-minute drive back and forth everyday. However, BBC's podcast is a great stress reliever during that time.
I have watched innumerable movies, the best being Road to Perdition. As Shailesh, one of my fellow colleague, says, "There is about 1500 weekends left to be used." Which means about 2500 movies before I die.
I also completed the Art of Living - Part 1 course and from Ramdev Baba's heavy duty pranayam have moved onto Sri Sri's Sudarshan Kriya - the 30 minute mind cleanser. While we all take a bath everyday, I am convinced our mind also needs a regular wash.
June continues to outgrow me each day. Some of the things that I have come to admire about her:
- Her desire to always take Mummy and Papa along. Though she is mama's child I don't ever feel neglected.
- Her ability to notice the little things and get curious.
- Her quality of never ever not listening to what I say and never trying to lie.
- And like any other child, she is still my best stress buster.
Her most recent demand is that she does'nt want to ever leave Ami teacher's class. She loves her so much you see.
I have read The Japanese Wife, To Kill a Mocking Bird and am now reading Anne Frank's Diary. I also finished the Hyderabad 10K marathon strongly and there were many moments of high while I was running.
My severe neck and knee pain is a gentle reminder that I am slowly moving on the wrong side of 30 and there would be one additional factor to consider going forward.
Lastly, I will end this piece with this photograph.
Kingshuk Som is second from left.
He completed his MBA and joined ICICI Bank. He recently got an award. We interact a lot and have seen each other grow. There are many parts of each other we don't like at all. We are poles apart in our personalities. And both of us have changed over the years as our respective lives have rolled on the different kinds of meadows.
When I looked at the photograph, I was wondering, "Is that him?" It would have been tough to visualize this photograph if he did'nt send this one to me. Somehow, it was this simple photograph which helped me overcome my second writers block.
Thank you, Lito, and I am proud of you as well.
May 25, 2008
Maa and Me
My present job and my current circumstances leaves me no space to breath. So that explains the trickle of my posts.
On 22nd May 2008 I became a year older. Undoubtedly it was my busiest birthday. I rushed out of home to reach in time for a call.
These days I drive to work. It takes me anywhere between an hour to an hour and fifteen minutes. A far cry from my beautiful walk to work in Bangalore and Kolkata.
Usually I touch the feet of my parents if they are around during my birthday. But in my hurry I forgot to do the same this time.
The day was so bad at work that I returned no less than 10.00 pm. June gave me my best birthday gift ever - a hand drawn joker. Thats her favourite drawing. Whenever she draws something meaningful it will be the joker with a hat. One of my colleagues, Devleena said "She pictures you." I hope that is true. I wish I can stay that way to her.
Mom and daughter planned a nice surprise but my late entry spoilt it a bit. The hand drawn birthday card had contributions from Baba and Mun as well. The shirt was just like I would have picked up.
June was singing the "Happy Birthday!" song. Her first reindition ".. happy birthday to papa." Her second ".. happy birthday to my papa." Her third ".. happy birthday to my dear papa." Today I asked her how much do you love me. She said as much as a train.
So while June was singing, Maa was silently watching, having fun and taking pride looking at her pride. But when June sang the last line "... may God bless you... may God bless you." I could feel a hand run down my head and someone adding to the chorus "... may God bless you.. may God bless you." That was Maa, looking for an opportunity to bless because I did'nt give her one in the morning nor remembered to give her one when I was back home.
That is so typical of how we have been right through my life. We rarely speak. We rarely show. By her own admission she has never bought a piece of chocolate for me ever. Niether has she admitted to have given me a kiss even when I was a chubby cheeks. There were times when we have not spoken for months. There have been times when she lost faith in me. But I don't think in the worst of our moments she ever gave up on me.
I have seen her grow as a mother during my awareness years. A brilliant student she was married at seventeen into a family where it was easy to get lost. It was the time when my grandfather was the king and the kingdom was ruled by her two daugthers. Today I have a sense of what she had gone through.
She often dreams that she is losing all her teeth. By her admission she has a weak heart. But I have seen her strength when we were going through the toughest of times as a family trying to make ends meet. She stood tall during our fall from grace. Bit by bit the pieces have been put back in place.
She was the neo-conservative mother of the 1980s when the sight of a girl around her son was a sacrilege. Egged on by my grandmother she kept a close watch on her straying son. But I saw the same Maa rock so well with my unwed girl friend. Since then I have also seen her transform as a mother-in-law.
I still remember when she touched my head when I came back from Bangalore, my dream completely shattered. Now each day, when I drive out of our apartment she stands at one corner of our balcony watching over me. Each day, I am sure, during that moment she prays to God for me and for us. One of the few solaces in life is that she will not stop praying ever.
On 22nd May 2008 I became a year older. Undoubtedly it was my busiest birthday. I rushed out of home to reach in time for a call.
These days I drive to work. It takes me anywhere between an hour to an hour and fifteen minutes. A far cry from my beautiful walk to work in Bangalore and Kolkata.
Usually I touch the feet of my parents if they are around during my birthday. But in my hurry I forgot to do the same this time.
The day was so bad at work that I returned no less than 10.00 pm. June gave me my best birthday gift ever - a hand drawn joker. Thats her favourite drawing. Whenever she draws something meaningful it will be the joker with a hat. One of my colleagues, Devleena said "She pictures you." I hope that is true. I wish I can stay that way to her.
Mom and daughter planned a nice surprise but my late entry spoilt it a bit. The hand drawn birthday card had contributions from Baba and Mun as well. The shirt was just like I would have picked up.
June was singing the "Happy Birthday!" song. Her first reindition ".. happy birthday to papa." Her second ".. happy birthday to my papa." Her third ".. happy birthday to my dear papa." Today I asked her how much do you love me. She said as much as a train.
So while June was singing, Maa was silently watching, having fun and taking pride looking at her pride. But when June sang the last line "... may God bless you... may God bless you." I could feel a hand run down my head and someone adding to the chorus "... may God bless you.. may God bless you." That was Maa, looking for an opportunity to bless because I did'nt give her one in the morning nor remembered to give her one when I was back home.
That is so typical of how we have been right through my life. We rarely speak. We rarely show. By her own admission she has never bought a piece of chocolate for me ever. Niether has she admitted to have given me a kiss even when I was a chubby cheeks. There were times when we have not spoken for months. There have been times when she lost faith in me. But I don't think in the worst of our moments she ever gave up on me.
I have seen her grow as a mother during my awareness years. A brilliant student she was married at seventeen into a family where it was easy to get lost. It was the time when my grandfather was the king and the kingdom was ruled by her two daugthers. Today I have a sense of what she had gone through.
She often dreams that she is losing all her teeth. By her admission she has a weak heart. But I have seen her strength when we were going through the toughest of times as a family trying to make ends meet. She stood tall during our fall from grace. Bit by bit the pieces have been put back in place.
She was the neo-conservative mother of the 1980s when the sight of a girl around her son was a sacrilege. Egged on by my grandmother she kept a close watch on her straying son. But I saw the same Maa rock so well with my unwed girl friend. Since then I have also seen her transform as a mother-in-law.
I still remember when she touched my head when I came back from Bangalore, my dream completely shattered. Now each day, when I drive out of our apartment she stands at one corner of our balcony watching over me. Each day, I am sure, during that moment she prays to God for me and for us. One of the few solaces in life is that she will not stop praying ever.